Thanksgiving, my short list.

Today is going to be a hard day for me. Today will also be a totally new experience for me. For the first time in my life, I'm either not at home with my family crammed into my Grandma's tiny family room, or cooking a monstrous Thanksgiving meal. Oh, and I'm not with the person who's been the mainstay in my life for 11 years......tiny detail. BUT, I am going to share today with wonderful people who have opened their home to me and Eric. I am taking a broccoli casserole and candied yams, and I'm going to have some fun today, even if I'm not completely sober doing it!

In honor of Thanksgiving, I'm making a short list of things that make my life better, and for that, I'm thankful.

1. My family. Crazy as they are, they're my rock and solid foundation.
2. My mom. The older I get, the more I appreciate her, love her, and respect her for the choiced she has made in life, even when I didn't understand them.
3. Eric. He holds me when I need to cry over a man that isn't him, he makes me laugh so hard I need to cry, and he talks me down when I'm ready for a battle. Mostly, he makes me happy, and that's kind of a big deal.
4. Running. It keeps me sane, even when it's insane how much I do it. I love it, and I can't live without it.
5. My musical abilities. Singing makes me happy, and playing piano de stresses me. Not everyone can do what I do, and I'm so thankful to be one of the blessed people who can.
6. My students. When I'm having a crappy day, they lift my spirits. They make me laugh, and make me cry, and most of all, they make me proud to be a teacher and mentor. I share their successes and failures, and I give each one of them a small piece of my heart in the hopes that they carry it throughout their lives with joy!
7. My friends(both online and in person), as few and far between as they are. They help me see everyday that I am good, and that I have many things to offer many people in this world, some I never even dreamed of.
8. My cat. He loves me unconditionally(as long as there's fresh food in the bowl 2 times a day). he is my best friend and companion, and generally makes my life a happier place to live.
9, My car. It's not fancy or fast or new, but she's reliable and safe. And, she's PAID OFF.
10. My courage. I've made some choices this year that were gutwrenchingly hard. They took courage, and will take perserverance. No matter the mountains I have to climb, I will look back at my journey and realize that was all worth the struggles.

So, today, I will live my life as it is, love my life as it is, and eat until I'm green in the face!

Ugh........the holidays

As I sit here making my shopping list for Thanksgiving( no, I haven't shopped yet), I'm trying to hold back all the tears that so badly want to get out. I've had a really, really, really hard year. While 2010 was better than 2009, I feel like I've been through a war. I have so much to be thankful for, but I also feel like I've got a giant hole gaping inside my chest that aches for what I've lost. My mom was telling me how much she wishes I was home to help her decorate her Xmas tree, and I can honestly say that I"m more homesick than I've ever been. I just want to be with my family this year for the holidays.

I'm missing elements of my life with Michael. And even though Eric adores me, he can't take away the hurt that I have to muddle my way through and he can't replace my best friend. I know that this hurt will get better with time, but right now, it feels like it's never going to get better.

I've come so far, and I've accomplished so many things. I'm so thankful that I can go out and run 6 miles everyday. I've decided to start studying to be a personal trainer, and that it'll help me with the next chapter of my life. Knowing those things are around the corner help me see past the immediate challenges.

Ok, enough bellyaching. I'll get through it. I always do.

Emotions

I'm having a hard time coping with life as a single girl, especially with the holidays coming. The one year anniversary of my granfather's death was last weekend, my ex's birthday was last week, and Thanksgiving is next week. Plus, I've been sorting out all the Christmas decorations, deciding what to give the ex and what to keep. Even though I know it's been 6 months since I , every time I go back over there for something, I feel like my heart is getting ripped out of my chest. I miss my house, and my kitties, and I miss him. We were best friends for 11 years, and it's so hard for me to just have that disappear, seeing as how I don't really have that many friends.

My 30th birthday is coming in 3 weeks, and I'm in a little bit of crisis with it. Where I am right now is nowhere close to where I wanted to be when I set my plans out before me 10 years ago. Nothing on my list has been accomplished. Then again, there are some things that weren't on the list that got accomplished, like running marathons! Who knew? But I'm still struggling to get my life together. Every week I keep feeling like the floor is going to drop out from under me.

Just the thought of the holidays this year makes me want to curl up and die. Xmas was our favorite holiday, and we decorated for weeks! I love Xmas. But this year, I just don't know how much I'll be up for. On the up side, my parents are coming to visit me for my birthday, so my mom will probably help me decorate my tiny place. I have enough stuff to decorate 3 apartments for Xmas, so I may not get out any of "our" things, only the things that I've had since before we were together. Plus, my parents coming makes me have to put the finishing touches on my little house. Everything is pink and brown, so I have cute little shadow boxes that I painted to hang and I painted shelves pink/brown, and even screwed hooks into one so I could hang all my medals!

I think I'm settling into life ok, I'm just so emotional about little things. I guess these breaks are all steps up the divorce mountain. Things like deleting him from Facebook caused all out emotional mayhem, but after 6 months, I just don't need him checking up on me, and I don't need to be checking up on him. I'll get through all this. But some days, I cry while I run, because I just need to. I always feel better afterwards. Today might be one of those days.

A Really Hard time

I think that yesterday may have been one of the hardest days I've ever had, except for the day I left my husband and the day I lost my granfather. Coincidentally, yesterday was the one year anniversary of my grandfather's death, so it was already going to be a hard day without the stuff that happened.

I have been dreading yesterday for a few weeks, and knew it would not be a good day in general. Then I found out that Eric would be at a middle school youth gathering as a leader all weekend, which meant I was to be alone. OK. I figured I'd deal with this by cleaning a lot, and going to a spin class yesterday morning. But before that, I checked my Facebook where some interesting photos of my ex and one of his ex girlfriends in an album entitles "Our vacation MSU Homecoming 2010". Awesome. Not only had he not paid my car insurance(which we had a deal on) for 2 months, letting it cancel and never bothering to tell me, but he spent 3 weeks of October travelling everywhere from Pittsburgh to San Francisco to our college town to celebrate homecoming with an ex..... Perfect! That pissed me off enough that I deleted him, and all his family members and friends. I guess I figured I don't wanna be with him, but I'm not so sure I'm ready to see him be with someone else, let alone an ex.

so I went spinning, and hard.... On my way home from spinning(which was amazing, by the way), the texted my ex to see if I could get some of the Xmas decorations to start seperating them and try to get one step closer to cutting the ties. This of course, turned out to be a fatally flawed plan, since he, of course, just had to jab me a couple times to make sure I'm still me. So, what was already a shitty day turned into a screaming match in his garage full of statements that have been coming for a long time but that I never figured I'd get the chance to say. And, because I'm a crier, I cried.......a lot. And he cried, which made me cry more. EFF!!! Why did I go there? And I get so tired of hearing from him how I'm so cold, and I put up such a wall. What he just doesn't get is that I'm shattered into a million tiny pieces on the inside and that, while I don't want to married to him anymore and don't really miss the marriage, I still miss him. I can't just flip a switch and turn off all the feelings i have after 11 years together. AAAHHH!

Once I made it out of there, I booked it home to pull myself together becasue I had made dinner plans with a friend and her family to celebrate a birthday. So I covered up my puffy eyes, and redid my makeup, fluffed my hair, and put on some nice clothes. It's really amazing what makeup can do for a face!! LOL. I managed to have a really great time with them last night, and really forgot about my internal pain for a couple hours. Of course, it all came back down on me once I got home and sat in my tiny apartment alone with the cat for a while.

If I've learned one thing about myself recently, it's that more and more I can throw myself wholly into my sport. Today I sprang out of bed, dug out my cold weather running gear, and hit the road for the easiest 10 miles I've ever run. My brain tuned out so severely that I barely remember running. I've learning that the harder my life gets, the easier my runs get because I can channel that pain or anger or frustration into my feet and make them fly. I'm learning that a really hard time can mean a really good, hard run.

Miami Beach Halloween Half Marathon Race Report

Sunday morning started very early! I stayed out kinda late Saturday night, and so when the alarm clock went off at 4:30AM, I wasn't so amused. I got up, got dressed in my bee costume, and sprinkled myself with tons of glitter. Because we weren't sure about how long the shuttles would take, we decided to drive to the start line. We realized too late that taking the shuttle was really the best thing to do, and will do that next year.

At the start line, I took in all the sights and sounds of a small race. Mostly, the costumes were a lot of fun to see. Much to my dismay, there were lots of bees, although mine was the cutest, if I do say so myself. The guy who ran with who ran in the stars and stripes thong definately got my shock and sympathy, since I know he was chaffing like crazy by the end of the race. The girl who forgot to cover her butt also got my attention, but only long enough for me to pass her.

While waiting for the gun, the skies opened up and poured rain for about 5 minutes raising the humidity from tolerable to suffocating. The first mile was across the causeway from Jungle Island into Miami Beach, and the chance to really look at the massive cruise ships docked was a lot of fun! Plus, looking at the people on the boats looking back at us was quite interesting. Miles 2 and 3 were along the waterfront marinas where all the huge private yachts are docked, and being that I love boats so much, it awesome to peak into the lives of rich people. I must say that the concrete sidewalks weren't my favorite.

I was wearing my Garmin, so I knew how many miles I clicked off, being that we didn't see a mile marker until mile 4. Miles 5 and 6 were along the beachside but still on concrete sidewalks, that wound through the big parks that offered a great view of the beach and a lovely breeze. Miles 7-11 were actually run along a narrow boardwalk that allowed no more than 4 people across to run, making if crowded and difficult to pass. The saving grace of the boardwalk was watching the winners and faster runners go by on their way back towards the finish and the chance to see some of the most iconic resorts on South Beach up close. On a side note, the guy running behind thong man looked like he was in misery having to run behind a full moon for 10 miles!

While my pace was staying really steady between 11:15-11:30, running along a wet wooden boardwalk really made my legs tired. I must say, I don't really remember much about the first 6 miles, so the boardwalk miles are really my first coherent memories, and they were fast miles. I really started passing people much smaller than me, who should've been in better shape, but who were actually struggling to keep going. At this point, I was clicking off miles at 11:15, which is quite speedy for me at 1/2 mary pace.

By the time mile 11 hit, we were off the boardwalk back onto the same concrete park paths we had run earlier. After running on soft wood for almost 5 miles, the concrete hit my legs hard and immediately started making me tired quickly. I juiced up on some extra blocks with an extra caffeine boost in them to try to encourage some energy. Mile 12 hit on a short stretch of street where the folks eating breakfast at sidewalk cafes were cheering us on. The worst part of the whole race was the small but mighty hill at 12.5 that led into Nikki Beach where the finish line was staged. We ran around the park, and I saw Eric waiting for me with the camera, and a fair amount of people cheering.

I had been keeping a close eye on my time, and knew that I was on pace to finish in under 2:30:00, and as I rounded the bend to the finish, I saw looked up at the clock to see that I would finish in 2:28 and something. So with a smile on my face, I managed to finish the Miami Beach halloween half mary in 2:28:43! I Pr'd by over 14 minutes since my last 1/2 mary in May. I've never finished a race feeling that good, or looking that cute!

The medal is super cute( and part of the reason I did it to begin with). The post race party was pretty good. I would have liked to hear some music or at least an announcer to call people across the finish line. There was plenty of water being handed out, along with free "Mix" protein shakes that are actually really tasty! The huge food tent posed a serious problem, because after running 13 miles, nobody wants to stand in line for 20 minutes to get tacos?! I went for the muffins, fruit and bagels, and let Eric eat the tacos. Another major gripe I have is that the bathroom's at the finish line were almost 1/4 mile away from the actual finish line and were not stocked well, so I had to ask some random guy to get TP from the men's bathroom. As it turns out, hundreds of people ended up getting off course in the first mile and running 13.5 miles instead of 13.1, however I wasn't one of those ppl.

All in all, it was a novelty race, and was pretty fun. I enjoyed running in my costume, and the chance to PR. I don't know if I'll do it again next year, but at least it was a good experience.

An ounce of encouragement....

Yesterday in my Weight Watchers meeting, I coined a phrase......."An ounce of encouragement is worth a pound of fat!". Not only did it get a laugh, but I think it rang true for so many people in there. And it definately rings true for me, otherwise I wouldn't have said it.

Everyday I get out of bed, dutifully eat my WW friendly breakfast, and wait 45 minutes until I can get my running gear on and hit the pavement for however many miles my training plan says I should. Some days are easier than others. Some days I leave my house with a sense of impending doom and some days I leave knowing that it's gonna be an amazing run.

This week in particular has been a week of ups and downs. My stress level this week has been through the roof dealing with Halloween costumes of all things, finances, ex's of all kinds, and families, both biological and non bilogical. The up days, I don't need encouragement from other people, because I have it to give to myself. The down days, like today, I needed it. And although I left my house knowing it would be a good run, my brain was needing just a little bit of help.

I got help today in more than one way. Yesterday, I bought the black cherry clif bloks with a full shot of caffeine in them, and needless to say, after eating one, my brain cracked out and my legs were flying. But as good as I felt, I knew that the good feeling wasn't coming from me, it was coming from the drug I had coursing through my veins. But then, someone smiled at me while I was running, and I smiled and waved back, and suddenly, a drug of a different kind went through my veins. Encouragement from other people is the best thing that an athlete can get while plugging away on the pavement. Runners are a generally friendly lot of people, save for maybe the truly elites who are so into what they're doing that they couldn't possible spare a moment to smile at someone else. Most runners are feeling either the same exhileration or pain as me and could use the same motivation as me. And so, today as I felt my legs getting heavy and my caffeine buzz wearing off, a smile gave me the energy to keep going. Because after all, encouragement is positive reinforcement that what I'm doing is good. That turns into motivation, and motivation turns me into a former fatty. So, the next time I feel like I need to stop, I'm gonna find someone to smile at, and hopefully they'll smile back. Because an ounce of encouragement is worth a pound of fat! :)

Training, and training some more

I have had the best couple weeks where my running is concerned. I thought I was gonna have to start all over with my training, but it turns out, I just had to go back a couple weeks. I'm always amazed at what this body of mine can do. Last week I clocked 28 miles. I'm on tap to clock mid 30's this week. Now if only I could get the scale to move as quick as my legs, life would be grand.

Yesterday, I went out for 12 miles, knowing that I have a 1/2 mary in 3 weeks, and need a good long run under my belt. I decided to try some new clif bloks, and venture into the world of caffeine. The first three miles were pretty hard, but after that, it got easier. I'm trying to run progressive long runs, meaning that I start slow and progressively get faster so that closer to the end, I'm closer to my 1/2 mary race pace. This also means that I spend longer running faster, so my body gets conditioned to it. Surprisingly, I held off on the caffeinated bloks until the last 5-6 miles, and they really did help with a little energy boost towards the end. I was expecting my heart rate to jump and to possibly get nauseous, but I didn't!

It's been 5 months since my last 1/2 mary, and I'm so excited about running this one in 3 weeks! Since it's on Halloween, I'm making a bumblebee costume for myself! It should be so cute. And this is also the first year that I'm feeling confident enought to wear a slightly sexy outfit for Halloween parties. I'm making myself a flapper girl dress in bright red! It should be really cute. Eric is gonna dress as a 20's gangster, complete with fedora and tie to match me! I'm so stoked. And I can't wait for Halloween!

Change is a constant.

I've spent two years running, now, and losing all this weight. I've built my finess level up so that I can run 5 miles 4 days a week, and run long every weekend. I planned first to do Vegas and then had to change my plans because I won't have the money. Then, I put my heart and soul into training for Disney again. And then the staph infection hit me.

10 days ago, I went to the E.R. with an abscess under my arm that just came from nowhere. After my arm swelled up to twice its size after the abscess was drained, and then bruised horribly, I had to tolerate the anitibiotics. And let me just say that massive doses of antibiotics plus a staph infection equal the inability to do anything. My body literally felt worse than after I ran the marathon. And, I wasn't allowed to run at all until it healed up. Even then, when I ran last week, I could barely make it more than 3 miles. So after 10 days of pills, and virtually no exercise, I've had to change my marathon plans yet again, much to my dismay.

I ran today on the TM, to take it easy on the body, and lifted weights, and I feel pretty good. It frustrates me that I have lost some of my endurance that I worked so hard to build, but I will build it back and it'll be pretty quickly, so I'm not too worried. The marathon I picked to run will not be until February, so I have plenty of time to get my fitness up.

I guess I can live with change, not that I like it all that much. But, I don't guess I really have a choice. As long as I'm healthy, none of it really matters anyway.

Operation: Life

OY!! The past couple weeks have been simply insane! Between knee pains and car repairs and paying rent, and Eric going out of town, I haven't had much time to breathe. This whole living by myself, paying my bills like a responsible adult thing is kinda hard! Although, I'm still behind on some things, I only have 1 car payment left!!! Now, if I can only keep it running and in good shape until it's paid off...............

Eric got a job after 5 months of being unemployed, it's a doosy! He job a great job with a really cool company that uses iPod touches to run silent auctions at charity events, kind of like ebay, only way more expensive! This whole week he's in Indianapolis for training, and I'm not a happy camper. But, he's gonna get paid really, really well, and when he has events, I can work them and make some extra money on the side! Plus, I get to travel around the state some. We're going to Fort Lauderdale in a couple weeks, and I've never been, so I'm super excited!!

Operation Las Vegas has turned into Operation Disney 2.0, sadly. It's not for certain yet, but Vegas is gonna be very expensive, more so than I thought originally, so I doubt it's gonna happen. Lucky for me, the Disney Marathon is only 4 weeks after, so I can still keep my current training plan in motion and make it work for disney. It may actually work out better because I've been having an overuse pain in my left knee that is taking its sweet time going away. Better to slow down on my own than to be forced to stop by an injury. I have several races coming up in the next few weeks, so I'm gonna stay busy trying to get my 1/2 mary times down.

I've taken back up my old hobby of knitting to try to quell my late night hungry attacks. I find that having something to concentrate on makes me forget about being "hungry". It's so tough to break those very ingrained habits like that. Eating late at night has been my thing forever, and it doesn't help that I"m a night owl anyway.

I'm hoping life slows down a little bit and business speeds up! I'm picking up students slowly, but surely, and it's taking some of the financial pressure off. I'm just glad I don't have kids. Alhtough, my biological clock practically wakes me up every morning reminding me that I'm turning 30 in less than 3 months. UGH. I'll survive the chaos; I always do. I just don't always survive it sane.

Good days and bad days

When I started this training plan set forth by my brother, it looked hard. I mean, really hard. It's more miles than I've ever run, with more intense workouts than I've ever done. But I thought, why not? I'm in the best shape of my life and I feel great. Then came August in the great state of Florida. The temps have been near 100* everyday with humidity just as high. And to a runner who isn't so keen on getting up at 5am, it sucks the soul right out of me.

So yesterday was my weekly long run, and naturally Saturday night I didn't get in bed early like I was supposed to, I stayed at Eric's house kinda late and then came home. But I was energized, so I put away my laundry and picked up some around my house. And before I knew it, it was after midnight. This didn't bode so well for a 5am long run, which ultimately turned into a 10am long run. The problem? Staying in bed meant I had to do my Long run on the treadmill at the gym. BLEH!

Obediently, I headed to the gym on my bike, gel bloks and water bottle in hand. Lucky for me, there was good tv on, so I didn't get too bored, and the miles started to click by. The treadmill is so deceiving, and that's why I hate it. Not to mention the fact that it effs up my stride so that by the time I was done my calves and hamstrings were so tight I could barely walk. It gives me a false sense of speed. Granted, I did my 12 miles at 11:15/mile pace, which is rockin, but on the road, that's not my pace. I'd love it to be my pace, but it's not. Actual human propulsion is what makes the legs go on the road, not the belt under me. Anyway, it was a great run, except that my heart rate monitor chest strap died. Then I went to work and then bowling. Needless to say, yesterday was a long day.

Today's run, not so great. I got up thinking I'll go out for 4-5 miles for some recovery. Little did I know that between the weather being miserably hot/humid, my iPhone/iPod screwing up, and my legs being tired that whatever miles I did get today would be hard won. So, today I will chalk up to a bad run. 4 miles is 4 miles, nonetheless, but they sucked. And I think the battery in my Garmin HRM strap is dying. WTF. At least I got my miles today. I had runs like this(well maybe not this bad) last week, and I'll have them next week. Until the weather cools down some, my miles are gonna be tough to get every week, and I guess I can't expect every single run to be great, but I can hope right?

A really great run.

As I begin week 4 of Operation:Las Vegas, I can feel myself getting stronger already. The elite runners and coaches of the world say that the more miles you run, the more miles you can run. I'm beginning to realize just how true this is.

I thought I was surely going to die by the end of week 1. By the end of week 2, I was adjusting, but still exhausted. Last week was the first week where I actually clocked all the miles I was supposed to, and felt good about it. Granted, the 2:00:00 long run last weekend nearly killed me, but making the body do something new is usually never fun(ok, sometimes it's fun, but where exercise is concerned, not so much).

This weekend I spent at the beach, having fun with the new guy and his kids. We celebrated the oldest daughter's birthday by having a cupcake party, where I spent all afternoon Saturyda baking cupcakes, and then we all decorated them Saturday evening. We stuck candles in 14 of them and sang and the whole nine yards. Fun! The eating of the cupcakes? A bad plan. I didn't get to 300# by saying no to cupcakes. However, life goes on, and today, there are no cupcakes to be seen. Sadly, while at the beach, I coulcn't manage to get my long run because the humidity was monstrous.

So, today I got up and did my long run. And it's amazing to me how easy it was! I did 10 miles last Sunday, and suffered all the way through. Of course, that was the first 10 miler I'd done since May when I did my last 1/2 mary. Yesterday's long run was only to be 7 miles, so I went out this morning thinking I'd do 8, and get one of this week's miles outta the way. The sky was completely overcast, there was a breeze blowing, and my legs felt great. The more I run, the more my legs feel better running faster. My goal today was to have 35-40 minutes of marathon pace running, meaning that my normal 11:45-12:00 pace for long runs needed to average 11:30/mile for 35-40 minutes to get my legs used to running faster for longer periods of time, since the marathon will most likely take me 5 hours +. Wonder of wonders, my legs kicked it into high gear, and just went. I'm learning to lean back so that my legs and hips are rotating properly, instead of leaning forward. And when my headphones died at mile 6, I was relieved that I could just concentrate on listening to my foot falls and breathing. As I listen to each foot fall, I can stop any dragging that happens when I lean too far forward, and really feel my feet.

Week 4 is shaping up to be a great week. Unfortunately, I'm going to have to double up and run twice one day this week to get all my miles, but my brother/coach does that all the time, so it must be ok. I'm so in tune with my body that I can't imagine how I didn't do this earlier in my life. It feels so good to know what's going on, and to be able to get through everyday without caffeine and sugar and just exist on human energy.

I'm looking forward to having a good week, if today's run is any indication. The more miles I run, the more I want to run. Where can I go wrong?

The people around you.

I'm learning slowly but surely that the people I surround myself have a serious effect on my mood. For example, a short conversation with the ex stresses me out to no end, and makes me thankful that he's going to be my ex by law soon. A short conversation with a friend of mine who is still pretty obese and generally negative can bother me for days, and kinda make me feel like shit in the midst of the conversation. And a non conversation with my new fella( as in just being around him), makes me feel some peace, if even just for a few minutes. A conversation with the wellness director at my gym can make me feel like I've already conquered the world and now have the universe to take care of, but that's it's possible to do.

I wonder then, why is it so hard to let go of the people who adversely affect my mood, and therefore, my mental well being? Why do I insist on keeping these people around? I suppose in some ways, I'm afraid to let go of my ex, who has been a major part of my life for the last 11 years, since I was 18. And we've gone through some major shit together, but ultimately can't be together. And the fact that I haven't felt this good is years, both mentally and physically means that somewhere along the line, I've made the right decision to leave him.

My mom told me a long time ago that I would probably lose every friend I have because the changes in me wouldn't be comfortable for the fatties in my life. At the time, I though she must be crazy, but as time always tells, moms are usually right. And so only one fatty remains my friend, but she's the most miserable person I know. And when I told her last week about dropping below 200#, she said, "Congratulations.....bitch. :)". And so even though she said it in jest, I know deep down that really she meant it. And it's just impossible for her to be happy for me. I'm not really afraid of losing her as my friend, but mostly I feel sorry for her, and so I stick around hoping she'll get it together one of these days. I don't know how much longer I'll stick around for that, though. She's 42 and the odds aren't looking good.

The new fella just makes me feel good. I haven't laughed like I do with him in a long, long, long time. And I haven't felt a sense of calm like this maybe ever. Of course, that calm goes away when we go about our seperate lives, but while he's around, he leans on me, and I lean on him. And the fact that he's a little older means he knows how to handle me and my craziness. Because as much as I've calmed down over the last 20 months, as much as I've become a better person, I'm still a handful of neuroses and type A personality traits!

Bottom line, I never realized how much my life would change when I started all this, but sometimes, I can't really believe this is my life. And I never would have thought that I'd be as sensitive as I am to other people's effects on me as I am. It really makes me stop and think about who I interact with. And truthfully, I have a choice everyday about who I deal with, so I suppose just making better food choices, I should start making better people choices.

My mom told me a long time ago when I started losing weight that I'd probably lose every friend I have because the change in me will not be comfortable for the fatties in my life.

I chafe, therefore I am.....

I can honestly say the last 10 days has been a roller coaster. I've run so much, I'm chaffed everywhere I can possibly chafe, I've been sore in places unknown to have muscles, and I've laughed and cried. It's just too much for one person sometimes.

Last week was just hectic with all kinds of work, and working out. It's been hard getting my body back into the swing of this much exercise, especially all the running I'm doing outside. But, I'm getting there. Every morning I get up a little easier and get my legs going a little faster. The heat/humidity are still are huge factor, but it only makes the body stronger to run in these conditions.

I had an awesome day Friday at SeaWorld! I haven't been there in a couple years, because I had gotten too big to fit on the roller coasters. Now that I'm getting skinny, it was a whole new experience to ride them! I had so much fun(that would be the laughter part)! Unfortunately, Saturday morning, I got up to find my kitty and constant companion in severe pain from a blocked urethra, which is the same condition that nearly killed him 2 years ago. So, from fun to agony in 24 hours(that would be the crying part). Luckily, we caught it early, and after 3 days in the hospital and $500, he's back home good as new, and super happy to be with me!

I've run 21 miles over the last 3 days, including 10 miles Sunday (for which I got up at 4:30am), 5 miles yesterday as recovery, and 6 miles today that included speed work. I'm chaffed under my arms?!, all the way around my body from my HRM chest strap, and a couple unmentionable places as well. Seriously?! After all this time running, now I'm starting to chafe really bad, and no amount of bodyglide can make it stop or prevent it! UGH! So, I'm so sore it hurts to breathe, and my legs hurt to move in anyway. I'm so glad tomorrow is just a spin class day!

And it's late again. I keep thinking I will just get in bed super early, get up super early, and get done all the things I need to get done. But, my legs get restless late at night, especially when they're this sore. And the chaffing burns, so I'm just generally uncomfortable. But, what does all this mean? I chafe, I'm sore, and I have to get up go workout in the morning, therefore I. am. a. runner. I love saying that.

A personal triumph

Today was day 2 of Operation Las Vegas.

I got up feeling pretty tired. I checked the weather at 7:45 am, and the humidity was 92% and the heat index was aready 86*, which meant there was no way I was getting a quality run in. Today's scheduled mileage was 5, so I opted to ride my bike to the gym, and hit the treadmill. Great decision!

I believe the key for me running distance on the treadmill is to read. I used to watch tv, but that just doesn't let my mind wander. Plus, the angle forces me to arch my back and messes up my breathing. So, I read Runner's World that I'm 2 months behind on. Before I knew it, 3 miles clicked by and I upped my speed a little. By mile 4, I felt awesome, and kicked up the speed again. I finished 5 miles in 54:45, which is a triumph for me! That's a sign of how fit I really am. And I must say, to still be 200#, I'm freaking fit!

I'm also ending day 4 of being sugar free. I think I'm through the worst of the cravings, so hopefully I should do pretty well with this. Although, the new fella is bringing me a beignet back from New Orleans, and it's a fried sugary thing that may ruin me. But, I'm tracking and saving my points for it. A girl deserves a treat from time to time.

Tomorrow is a new day and a spin class!!! Yay!!

OPERATION: Las Vegas

A lot of exciting things have happened today, and it's not even over yet!

I officially restarted my Las Vegas Rock n Roll Marathon training program. This week's mileage is 25, which totally doable, I just have to get up and get it done. After running 9 miles yesterday, running 3 today seemed like a near waste of time, except that anymore would've made my legs too tired. Tomorrow I will run 5.

Whilst at the gym, my personal trainer came up to me asked me to this really awesome relay!! It's part of the Ragnar Relay series, and it's insane! A 12 person team runs 120 miles over 24 hours, running 3 legs each! We pile into 2 cars/vans with 6 ppl each, and 3 volunteers who go ride with us and feed us, and cheer for us. It sounds just so insane I have to do it! It was just really cool that she even thought of me.

I'm on day 3 of the no sugar life again. I have such strong cravings for sugar that I just get out of control with it. My body drops weght so fast when I'm "clean" and I feel so much better. its gonna take me a week solid to detox, but if I can live through it, next week will be so much better! Plus, with me working more, my stress levels will be less, therefore making sugar cravings better, I hope. But, jeez is this a tough habit to break. I don't know honestly why I went back to it after having given it up for Lent. I may allow myself some treats here and there, but I'm gonna continue it as long as I can.

I hope the rest of the week keeps on as well as today is going.

A rough week

This past week has been a little stressful.

The guy I'm seeing left on a church youth trip to New Orleans for five days. One of my best friends relocated to New Orleans permanently. And I found out that the ex's family is coming to town next week on vacation, and it'll be the first time I'm excluded from visiting, and I"m kinda having a hard time with that.

I didn't get much exercise in. I'm just so unfocused.

Tomorrow officially restarts my marathon training program. In preparation, I cranked out 9 miles today. Running in the heat is awful, but it's still better than the treadmill. I'm gonna keep running outside as long as I can, but I may have to do some treadmill work over the next few weeks, since the heat is really getting out of hand down here.

I must admit that I'm a little nervous about being able to get my discipline back. My life has changed so much. It was easy hitting the road/gym 6 days a week when I was miserable at home. But now, my personal life is so happy and some days I just don't wanna get out of bed and go run. We'll see how it goes, but I'm just hoping I can get my mojo going again.

For right now, I'm going to sit by the pool and rest my legs. I might even take a poolside nap!

Focus, or total lack thereof.

As I'm reading about everyone picking races for the Fall months, and getting started on new training plans, it's coming into sharp focus that I'm not focused at all. My brother handed me a new training plan on vacation that is ambitious and greuling at best, but will have me in amazing shape and able to run a 5:00:00 marathon by December. The problem? I thought it started July 5th, but we miscalculated the weeks, and it doesn't start until July 17th. So this leaves me with another week and a half to wander around doing as I please, which is never a good thing.

Aside from that, being on my own is hard stuff. The summer months are the hardest for my business because a lot of students tend to take off the summer from private piano/voice lessons. So, I'm struggling with money when i'm used to having another person's income to help me. That stuff weighs on me heavily, and it's so easy for me to turn back to my immense and overwhelming love of sugar to get me through. I think I'm gonna have to go back off sugar completely in order to get my brain right because if really does mess with my moods and such.

On the up side, my YMCA is hiring a front desk person for part time, and they basically told me I have the job, since I practically live there anyway. Who else is better to sell memberships than one of their most devoted and grateful members? Nobody. So, that will help some. Plus, If I'm in a healthy environment instead of sitting at home, I'll be more likely to eat better and be more motivated to workout. Is that logic flawed? I think not.

With all that said, I'm gonna try harder this next week to get out of bed and go running or at least hit the bike. I've recently discovered spinning and I love it so much! So, that may be what gets me through the summer months here in Florida. And, although today's run was hot, the humidity wasn't too awful, so if I just suck it up, I'll get my miles in every week.

I really, really want to run that marathon on my birthday, so I'll do what I have to do to get my body in shape for the race requirements. It scares me to death to think about paying all that money for the race and to get to Vegas and not be able to finish in the max time. But I just think back to last year when finishing in 6:00:00 was the goal, to now thinking about 5:00:00, and I know I'll do it. I just need to get focused.

Marathon training and life in general

So today officially started my second full marathon training program! I'm super stoked about it, except that it's really intense, which I asked for, so I can't really complain much. My brother gave me a lot more slack to create it this time around, and it took me forever to put it all together today, but I got it done.

I'm really going to try to document my training online this time. So, in that spirit, here goes.

Today I got up much later than anticipated, and didn't get outside until 10 something......Lucky for me, it was totally overcast with a breeze, so it wasn't a miserable as it could've been. My legs felt really good, but I hadn't run in 4 days so I didn't want to over do it. I only 3.25 miles, but then did some major core work and squats just for good measure.

On to the life part.

I've kind of been seeing someone, which is for me a sure sign that I was way over my marriage before I really knew it. Sad, but true. Anway, he's older and has two daughters who make life a whole lotta complicated. I'm not good at dealing with other people's stress on top of my own. I have enough to deal with just managing my life. Throw someone new into that mix, and it's kind of volatile. I knew he was going out of town with his girls for 3 days starting today, then mid way through the day, after I'd already made plans, he tells me he's dropping off his girls at his mom's and is coming back to town tonight. So, I get all excited about it, and then, again at the last minute, he backs out. And so now, I'm pissed. I just don't really know how to not let someone else ruin my mood. Can someone explain that to me? So my great evening out with a girlfriend just got trashed by someone else. Awesome.

Bed is a reboot button. I think I'll hit it now.

Vacation Recap

Being back home is harder than I though it would be, even though i thought I was soooo ready to be here. although, being on vacation was really hard, too, so I guess I'm just at a point where everything is hard on me.

Let me just say that getting trapped in van for 10 hours with my super religious step sister and her husband was not my idea of a great drive to Myrtle Beach, but it turned out mostly ok because I slept A LOT. The fact that they wouldn't listen to the radio unless it was christian pop was enough to make me wanna kill myself and no amount of reading Cosmo could spice up the conversation. That said, the trip down was mostly uneventful.

Once we got there, we got rooms picked out, and yours truly got sent to the kids room, since I didn't have to have my own room this, me being single and all. FUN! So that not only meant not having a car, but also not having any private space that wasn't also shared with kids. And me in a house with 9 kids 3-13 was also not optimal because withough the hubby around, I had no buffer to be able to get away from it all. Needless to say by Monday, I had cabin fever so bad I was about to start walking back to Orlando.

My mom is awesome at crafts and so every morning we had craft time with all the kiddos around the table, and of course I helped. Sunday was "foamie" day, and Monday was "paint your own picture frame" day, which was so much fun to help with, watching the kids mix and match paints. The idea was to find sea shells and glue them to the frames as a reminder of our trip. We also went for the first crab hunt Monday night, which consists of our group wearing crazy crab hats wandering around the beach looking for poor, unsuspecting crabs to chase.
Tuesday was "paint your lobster day". Not nearly as fun as picture frames.

In the midst of all the craft craziness, I did manage to spend an enormous amount of time at the beach and spend some quality time with my oldest brother and SIL, who are the marathoners. And I managed to run Sunday and Monday. It was kinda fun to listen to my brother whine about how hot it was, especially since I have been training in this heat for weeks now. Did I mention that Monday after my run my iPhone fell off the second story railing to its concrete death?? Yeah. That pretty much killed my vacation mood. It still works, the screen is just destroyed, as in the liquid crystal stuff inside exploded. Fun.

Lets also not forget all the weird family dynamics that take place on one of these "shove your whole family in a house for one week and see who survives" vacations. 21 people who don't see each other much makes for some very interesting interactions. Although, I've always been the black sheep, so that didn't really change much, and I just kinda did my own thing as much as possible and the let the parents keep their kids. I did not offer to babysit. I don't babysit.

By Tuesday, I was ready to come back. The kids were on my nerves, I was anxious to get back to work, and I was generally over the beach. My mom, step sister and I went to our favorite gift shop Tuesday afternoon to peruse the AMAZING Christmas store they have, and shop for various other gifts and such. One of our favorite artists/ sculptors, Jim Shore, has a cat collection that I just love, and two years ago she bought me the Curiosity killed the cat angel. This year, we decided we would buy "Patience" the cat, since that's what I need most in my life right now. That evening my two brothers, their families and I went out to a Japanese steakhouse for our bi annual dinner, and had a pretty good time. Tuesday night was music night, which was actually a lot of fun. As the kids get older, they get more fun I think. Listening to them sing and watching them dance was just a hoot.

Wendesday morning I was up early to help my mom prepare tie dye t shirts. I'm pretty sure my fingers will never be the same after tying rubber bands around a dozen shirts. But she said they turned out amazingly and I can't wait to get mine in the mail! Although, she bought me an XL, and was kinda disappointed when I told her I'd have to use it as a night shirt, since and XL is too big, thankuverymuch.

By 10, I was itching to get on a plane. so, I said my goodbyes, got on the plane and came home. By the time I got back, my other step sister was in labor 4 weeks early, and boy was I glad to have gotten outta the house before that all went down. That would have just been too much for me to handle. I was having a hard enough time dealing with the kids as a freshly seperated woman whose biological clock wakes her up every day.

Between the TOM coming on and leaving my family, I went through a really rough couple days Thursday and Friday. I'm still not completely myself. And since I sprained my ankle Wednesday I'm not able to run for a couple more days just to make sure it's healed. And since it's TOM, I'm eating everything in sight, so I'm not really into tracking right now. But, tomorrow is the start of a new week, and I'll get back on the wagon.

Another vacation gone. Back to reality.

Vacation

This is just a short post whilst on vacation to check in and share the complicated life I'm leading with my followers.

So far, vacation has been great! I'm pretty relaxed, despite my phone getting destroyed yesterday, and having to figure all that out. I'm having a great time hanging with my mom, and brothers, and just chilling out. Although, I'll admit that being single has its drawbacks. For one, I have no car and am at the mercy of everyone else when I wanna go somewhere. For another, I've been demoted to the "kids" room, to sleep in bunkbeds with my nieces..,....fun. And, I kinda feel like everyone is feeling a little bit sorry for me and tip toeing around me a bit. EESSH.

I have 3 "sisters" here, two sisters in law and one step sister. What amazes me about them is that one is a marathoner and super skinny and athletic and the other two are what they consider "fat". What cracks me up? They refuse to wear bathing suits and swim and enjoy their children or the beach because they perceive themselves as fat. And then there's me. The former fatty turned athlete who flaunts what she's got, size 12 or not, proudly for all to see. So, I can imagine that doesn't do much for their self image, being that I'm loving the way I look right now. Even two years ago at size 26, I still put on my bathing suit and rocked the beach.

Whatever.

I'm heading back to Orlando tomorrow to work, and will post a comprehensive vacation recap once back and getting some spare time.

The resposible and right thing to do.

Every two years, my parents rent a HUGE beach house in Myrtle Beach, and invite my sigblings and offspring to come ! I wildly anticipate this week every two years, and am super excited that it's next week.......finally! the problem? I'm self employed, and if I don't work, I don't make make money. I'm the only person I know who is too broke to go on a FREE vacation! I mean, Hell's bells, my mom is even paying for my plane fare and everything while I'm there! But, since the split, I'm on my own financially, and that means I can only depend on me to bring in the cash.

So, last night, I made the decision to go and only spend 4 days at the beach with my family, instead of the whole 8 days. Making this decision was so hard because I never get to spend time with my mom and siblings without the added pressure of other family visiting. But, I didn't want to spend my whole vacation stessing about money, and being broke when I got back. I feel pretty good about my decision to leave halfway through the week because I can come back next week and still get most of my teaching done, so I won't lose much money.

The funniest part about the whole thing is, when I called my mom to talk about it, she hung up and said she was ok with it. But then she called me back to specifically tell how proud she was of me for making a decision that was the right and responsible thing to do. I guess that's just another example of how much I've changed. But it also goes to show how bad the decisions I used to make were, if I actually do something responsible and it catches my mom off guard.

Anyway, I'm super excited to go to the beach for as long as I'm there! I'm nearly 90# lighter than I was last time 2 years ago, and looking pretty amazing. I actually pulled out a pic from last vacation, and that girl doesn't even look like me.

It's so hard to make responsible decisions, but in the end, they're the right thing to do. And, surprisingly I'm under so much less now than I was 2 days ago. I guess doing the right and responsible thing really isn't such a bad thing.

It's hard for me to fathom that it's been over 6 months since I updated my blog, but now seems as good a time as any to restart it. Many, many changes have taken place in my life, some good, some not so good. And, being I've lost my two best friends in this world, I don't have many people to talk to about it, so I might as well share it with my online friends.

Who knew that losing weight would throw into perspective that everything in my life was broken? Really.

The person who I though was my best friend, outside my marriage, decided that she just couldn't be friends with someone as neurotic about losing weight as I am, and so, she dropped me like a bad habit sometime around last christmas. The truth? Fat people don't like having skinny friends because it forces them to face up to the fact that they're fat because they're lazy, or maybe that's just the case with this one person. But that's been my general experience as a former fatty myself.

The person who was my actual best friend, my husband, just couldn't handle my demanding new personality, and I just couldn't handle him sitting on his unemployed ass doing nothing(not even exercising), while I was working out 6 days a week and working my ass off to make the ends meet(which they weren't). So, the things that I thought were maybe just bent turned out to actually be broken. And, when two married people who were once crazy over each other become nothing more than friends, and then become less than friends, it's time to let it go. And so i did. Three weeks ago, I moved out with my cat and my running shoes, and now I'm single-ish.

Now comes the fun part of arguing over finances(not that we have any assets), and signing papers. Fun.

I never thought losing weight so I could start having babies would lead to needing a new man to start having babies with!

Up to this point, I've lost 87#, run 4 half marathons, 1 full, and countless 5K's. I'm gonna start training for the Rock n Roll Las Vegas Marathon on December 5th, which is my 30th birthday. I figured there's no better way to celebrate a new life and turning 30 than in Vegas doing what I love to do!

I have the support of my family, what few friends I have left, and a wonderful new friend who listen when I need to cry, and tell me to suck it up when I need to. Life will go on, and so will I.