I'm restarting my blog as I restart training after that effing staph infection sidelined me. Before 5.2.2011, I was in the best physical shape of my life, at my lowest weight since 7th grade, and ready to conquer the world. 10 days off, and I'm back down in the shit where I was months ago.
I"m gonna try to post daily, and get out what I need to say about life, training, family, and business. I'm just not a "sit still on the couch person".
I went running today, and managed to keep my paces down below 11/mile for 3 miles......that's all I could handle, a crappy 3 miles. Granted, I've survived 2 massive rounds of soul sucking antibiotics that drained the life right out of me, but still. 3 miles? BARF. I also can't discount the fact that I have an open pit on my shin the size of a dime that looks mildly better everyday. And after my early morning run today, I came home and Cloroxed everything, and I mean everything! This is the second time is 8 months I've had a staph infection. They said I got this bug from the surfaces I touch everyday, and by God, they'll all be clean if it kills me. Next on the list is my car.
I'm heading to Ohio tomorrow for a family wedding, and I must say I'm having a more than serious amount of anxiety about it. I don't get alond well with one of my aunts, who is quite possibly one of the most miserable people I know of. She just doesn't like me. Idk if that's because I'm my mother's daughter and she hates my mom, or if she's just jealous of me that I could actually get out of a bad marriage and live a happy life when she's hiding behind her Bible to keep her in a sham of a marriage for the last 30 years to a man who flagrantly cheats on her. Idk if she's jealous because I'm fit and healthy and kinda hot now, and both her daughters are now the fat ones. It's hard to tell. My goal is to avoid her and her family at all costs. I'll be cordial, but I'm striking up any conversations.
Also, there are some personal milestones happening this weekend that are giving me anxiety. tomorrow will mark the 1 year anniversary of me leaving my husband. I"m trying to not really think about it too much, but it's weighing on me. I'm also going to a wedding for two young people who are broke, without good jobs, and struggling to survive, which might as well be a mirror image of he and I when we got married. I don't advocate getting married under such stress. It didn't work for us, and the stress never really went away. Granted, Idk what their relationship is like, but still, my 7 year weddking anniversary is 2 weeks away, and the similarities are striking and sad.
You see? This is what happens when I sit on my couch for a week! My brain does nothing but think. This is why I run. I run to get my mind some relief from thinking. And even now that I'm back to running, 30 minutes just isn't enough time to decompress my brain. I really hope my legs come back soon, and that I can be out there running 10 miles sooner than later, because at this rate, I"m gonna think myself to death.
Thursday, May 12, 2011
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
A thousand steps in the right direction.....
As the next marathon comes closer and closer(it's now only 11 weeks away), I find myself struggling to juggle all elements of my life. Even though I don't have kids, I have so many things going on at once that I feel like everyday is scheduled out hour to hour. Between training, going to school, teaching, and trying to get a divorce, I'm exhausted at the end of every day. Granted, I pile all this stuff on myself, but geez, it's hard.
I keep reminding myself everyday that I'm doing all of this for a reason: to get where I want to be. I want to be fit and healthy and I want to be a motivation and inspiration to those around me. I want to be instrumental in getting my community off its couches and out on the sidewalks taking a thousand steps in the right direction.
Some days, like today, all I wanted to do was stay in bed because my legs were tired. Why were they tired? I killed them yesterday. I decided to take it easy today, and only kill my arms after running 4 miles. On other days, I feel like I could run forever, and sometimes I do. But I have to say, it's the days I don't feel motivated that I'll put on my running shoes and hit the road, only to come home and share my run and find that my run has motivated someone else. That's one of the joys of Facebook, I guess. I've had so many people tell me they log on everyday just to read my posts.
So, today I feel a little overwhelmed by life, but tomorrow is a new day. And, everyday I run, I take a thousand more steps in the right direction. I just wish I could find some people to take them with me. Maybe I'll start my own running program.......hmm.
I keep reminding myself everyday that I'm doing all of this for a reason: to get where I want to be. I want to be fit and healthy and I want to be a motivation and inspiration to those around me. I want to be instrumental in getting my community off its couches and out on the sidewalks taking a thousand steps in the right direction.
Some days, like today, all I wanted to do was stay in bed because my legs were tired. Why were they tired? I killed them yesterday. I decided to take it easy today, and only kill my arms after running 4 miles. On other days, I feel like I could run forever, and sometimes I do. But I have to say, it's the days I don't feel motivated that I'll put on my running shoes and hit the road, only to come home and share my run and find that my run has motivated someone else. That's one of the joys of Facebook, I guess. I've had so many people tell me they log on everyday just to read my posts.
So, today I feel a little overwhelmed by life, but tomorrow is a new day. And, everyday I run, I take a thousand more steps in the right direction. I just wish I could find some people to take them with me. Maybe I'll start my own running program.......hmm.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
An overdue race report
It just dawned on me that I never posted my draft of the race report from the Disney Marathon. So, almost 2 weeks later, here it is. Mind you, it's the draft from the day after the race, so it'll be written about "yesterday" even though it's from 2 weeks ago.
My morning started at 2AM, when the allarm went off. I was too jazzed to hit the snooze button, so I got up and ate some breakfast. I started packing all my gear into my Fuel Belt. We headed out at 3:47, and arrived at Epcot at 4:15. All runners had to be at the start line and in their corrals by 5, so Eric and I made the 1 mile walk to the start line with thousands of my closest friends. After 45 minutes of waiting in the freezing cold, in shorts might I add, a great singer did the national anthem, and the first wave took off. There were fireworks and pyrotechnics, and music. Mickey, Minnie, Donald, and Goofy all had on track suits and were dancing. It was good fun.
My goal pace for this race was 12/mile, and so I kept a clost eye on my Garmin for the first couple until I could feel my toes again, just to make sure I wasn't doing anything crazy. I have to say the the first ten miles kinda went by in a blur. I remember some ladybugs from the Mainstreet Electrical Parade(my favorite old school parade at Disney) at mile 2ish, and then running around The World Showcase and ginormouse Xmas tree to mile 4. The next thing I remember is handing Eric my jacket at Mile 10 near the Contmporary, and then running through the Magic Kingdom. I had to get a picture in the same place as last year, with me on Main Street in front of Cinderella's castle.
Once we left MK, it was kinda boring. Running along the back side of the property, there wasn't much to look at, and the road narrowed quite a bit, which meant that we were pretty crowded, and that made it tough to really run well. We ran through the composting and water treatment facility, which was quite smelly, I was super happy to get through there. Around mile 14, my legs started to cramp, and I thought that was because I had slowed down a little bit, so I kept running. By mile 16, my legs locked up completely, and I was running straight into the wall. At the turn of mile 17(somewhere near the back of Animal Kingdom), I stopped, stretched, called Eric for a pep talk, and doubled down on clig bloks and water. As I started back to running, I slowly started to feel better. About then, I noticed a runner who I'd passed before, who'd then pass me, and so forth. She looked like she was in intense pain, and so was I, so I struck up a convo.
It turns out, Gail had been left by her group because her knee was hurting her so much she had to slow her pace way down, and had made a stop at a medical tent for some taping. I asked her if we could run together for a while, and the miles started climbing. My iPhone earbuds had died, and I could use the distraction as well. We talked about kids, weight loss, jobs, animals, hobbies, food, running, you name it. As we ran together, her pain worsened, but I kept up motivating her and changing topics. Mile 18, 19 clicked by and I reminded her at mile 20, that a 10k was nothing. Through Animal Kingdom, we ran the canal between AK and the back gate of Epcot. Gail was in serious pain, and I was hurting pretty well at this point. By mile 23, I had become the motivator to several people running near us. "A 5k is what we eat for breakfast", I said. By this point, we weren't really talking much, just trying to survive the rest of the run.
As we got through the back gates of Epcot, we hit mile 25, and there were a lot more people cheering on the runners. In a lot of pain, I kept reminding Gail that no matter what happened, when she crossed the finish line, SMILE! If this is gonna be your only marathon, at least make sure you have a good picture, right? I found myself being frustrated that the spectators weren't making much noise, so I started getting them pumped. Once we saw that big ass ball, we were at mile 26, and I pushed it into overdrive. Around the corner, there were tons of people and we could see that blessed finish line waiting. I split up from Gail, and reminded her to smile as best she could. With a huge smile on my face, and 2 fingers in the air, I ran over that line, and I can honestly say, it was one of the happiest moments of my life! It was the moment I shoudl have had last year when I ran it, but happily took this year instead.
Once we got our medals, Gail found me, and gave me the biggest hug. She told me that she couldn't have made it to the finish without me, and that I have a great gift for motivating people. She also said that someday, I'm going to make a huge difference in the lives of people who need it most. Between finshing the race and what she said to me, I was in tears. I made my way through the food line and found Eric, stretched, relaxed for a bit, and then went home.
5:29:29 was my finishing time, which makes me super happy. Overall, it was a great experience, and one I will repeat next year as part of my quest to complete the Goofy Challenge!
My morning started at 2AM, when the allarm went off. I was too jazzed to hit the snooze button, so I got up and ate some breakfast. I started packing all my gear into my Fuel Belt. We headed out at 3:47, and arrived at Epcot at 4:15. All runners had to be at the start line and in their corrals by 5, so Eric and I made the 1 mile walk to the start line with thousands of my closest friends. After 45 minutes of waiting in the freezing cold, in shorts might I add, a great singer did the national anthem, and the first wave took off. There were fireworks and pyrotechnics, and music. Mickey, Minnie, Donald, and Goofy all had on track suits and were dancing. It was good fun.
My goal pace for this race was 12/mile, and so I kept a clost eye on my Garmin for the first couple until I could feel my toes again, just to make sure I wasn't doing anything crazy. I have to say the the first ten miles kinda went by in a blur. I remember some ladybugs from the Mainstreet Electrical Parade(my favorite old school parade at Disney) at mile 2ish, and then running around The World Showcase and ginormouse Xmas tree to mile 4. The next thing I remember is handing Eric my jacket at Mile 10 near the Contmporary, and then running through the Magic Kingdom. I had to get a picture in the same place as last year, with me on Main Street in front of Cinderella's castle.
Once we left MK, it was kinda boring. Running along the back side of the property, there wasn't much to look at, and the road narrowed quite a bit, which meant that we were pretty crowded, and that made it tough to really run well. We ran through the composting and water treatment facility, which was quite smelly, I was super happy to get through there. Around mile 14, my legs started to cramp, and I thought that was because I had slowed down a little bit, so I kept running. By mile 16, my legs locked up completely, and I was running straight into the wall. At the turn of mile 17(somewhere near the back of Animal Kingdom), I stopped, stretched, called Eric for a pep talk, and doubled down on clig bloks and water. As I started back to running, I slowly started to feel better. About then, I noticed a runner who I'd passed before, who'd then pass me, and so forth. She looked like she was in intense pain, and so was I, so I struck up a convo.
It turns out, Gail had been left by her group because her knee was hurting her so much she had to slow her pace way down, and had made a stop at a medical tent for some taping. I asked her if we could run together for a while, and the miles started climbing. My iPhone earbuds had died, and I could use the distraction as well. We talked about kids, weight loss, jobs, animals, hobbies, food, running, you name it. As we ran together, her pain worsened, but I kept up motivating her and changing topics. Mile 18, 19 clicked by and I reminded her at mile 20, that a 10k was nothing. Through Animal Kingdom, we ran the canal between AK and the back gate of Epcot. Gail was in serious pain, and I was hurting pretty well at this point. By mile 23, I had become the motivator to several people running near us. "A 5k is what we eat for breakfast", I said. By this point, we weren't really talking much, just trying to survive the rest of the run.
As we got through the back gates of Epcot, we hit mile 25, and there were a lot more people cheering on the runners. In a lot of pain, I kept reminding Gail that no matter what happened, when she crossed the finish line, SMILE! If this is gonna be your only marathon, at least make sure you have a good picture, right? I found myself being frustrated that the spectators weren't making much noise, so I started getting them pumped. Once we saw that big ass ball, we were at mile 26, and I pushed it into overdrive. Around the corner, there were tons of people and we could see that blessed finish line waiting. I split up from Gail, and reminded her to smile as best she could. With a huge smile on my face, and 2 fingers in the air, I ran over that line, and I can honestly say, it was one of the happiest moments of my life! It was the moment I shoudl have had last year when I ran it, but happily took this year instead.
Once we got our medals, Gail found me, and gave me the biggest hug. She told me that she couldn't have made it to the finish without me, and that I have a great gift for motivating people. She also said that someday, I'm going to make a huge difference in the lives of people who need it most. Between finshing the race and what she said to me, I was in tears. I made my way through the food line and found Eric, stretched, relaxed for a bit, and then went home.
5:29:29 was my finishing time, which makes me super happy. Overall, it was a great experience, and one I will repeat next year as part of my quest to complete the Goofy Challenge!
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Thanksgiving, my short list.
Today is going to be a hard day for me. Today will also be a totally new experience for me. For the first time in my life, I'm either not at home with my family crammed into my Grandma's tiny family room, or cooking a monstrous Thanksgiving meal. Oh, and I'm not with the person who's been the mainstay in my life for 11 years......tiny detail. BUT, I am going to share today with wonderful people who have opened their home to me and Eric. I am taking a broccoli casserole and candied yams, and I'm going to have some fun today, even if I'm not completely sober doing it!
In honor of Thanksgiving, I'm making a short list of things that make my life better, and for that, I'm thankful.
1. My family. Crazy as they are, they're my rock and solid foundation.
2. My mom. The older I get, the more I appreciate her, love her, and respect her for the choiced she has made in life, even when I didn't understand them.
3. Eric. He holds me when I need to cry over a man that isn't him, he makes me laugh so hard I need to cry, and he talks me down when I'm ready for a battle. Mostly, he makes me happy, and that's kind of a big deal.
4. Running. It keeps me sane, even when it's insane how much I do it. I love it, and I can't live without it.
5. My musical abilities. Singing makes me happy, and playing piano de stresses me. Not everyone can do what I do, and I'm so thankful to be one of the blessed people who can.
6. My students. When I'm having a crappy day, they lift my spirits. They make me laugh, and make me cry, and most of all, they make me proud to be a teacher and mentor. I share their successes and failures, and I give each one of them a small piece of my heart in the hopes that they carry it throughout their lives with joy!
7. My friends(both online and in person), as few and far between as they are. They help me see everyday that I am good, and that I have many things to offer many people in this world, some I never even dreamed of.
8. My cat. He loves me unconditionally(as long as there's fresh food in the bowl 2 times a day). he is my best friend and companion, and generally makes my life a happier place to live.
9, My car. It's not fancy or fast or new, but she's reliable and safe. And, she's PAID OFF.
10. My courage. I've made some choices this year that were gutwrenchingly hard. They took courage, and will take perserverance. No matter the mountains I have to climb, I will look back at my journey and realize that was all worth the struggles.
So, today, I will live my life as it is, love my life as it is, and eat until I'm green in the face!
In honor of Thanksgiving, I'm making a short list of things that make my life better, and for that, I'm thankful.
1. My family. Crazy as they are, they're my rock and solid foundation.
2. My mom. The older I get, the more I appreciate her, love her, and respect her for the choiced she has made in life, even when I didn't understand them.
3. Eric. He holds me when I need to cry over a man that isn't him, he makes me laugh so hard I need to cry, and he talks me down when I'm ready for a battle. Mostly, he makes me happy, and that's kind of a big deal.
4. Running. It keeps me sane, even when it's insane how much I do it. I love it, and I can't live without it.
5. My musical abilities. Singing makes me happy, and playing piano de stresses me. Not everyone can do what I do, and I'm so thankful to be one of the blessed people who can.
6. My students. When I'm having a crappy day, they lift my spirits. They make me laugh, and make me cry, and most of all, they make me proud to be a teacher and mentor. I share their successes and failures, and I give each one of them a small piece of my heart in the hopes that they carry it throughout their lives with joy!
7. My friends(both online and in person), as few and far between as they are. They help me see everyday that I am good, and that I have many things to offer many people in this world, some I never even dreamed of.
8. My cat. He loves me unconditionally(as long as there's fresh food in the bowl 2 times a day). he is my best friend and companion, and generally makes my life a happier place to live.
9, My car. It's not fancy or fast or new, but she's reliable and safe. And, she's PAID OFF.
10. My courage. I've made some choices this year that were gutwrenchingly hard. They took courage, and will take perserverance. No matter the mountains I have to climb, I will look back at my journey and realize that was all worth the struggles.
So, today, I will live my life as it is, love my life as it is, and eat until I'm green in the face!
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Ugh........the holidays
As I sit here making my shopping list for Thanksgiving( no, I haven't shopped yet), I'm trying to hold back all the tears that so badly want to get out. I've had a really, really, really hard year. While 2010 was better than 2009, I feel like I've been through a war. I have so much to be thankful for, but I also feel like I've got a giant hole gaping inside my chest that aches for what I've lost. My mom was telling me how much she wishes I was home to help her decorate her Xmas tree, and I can honestly say that I"m more homesick than I've ever been. I just want to be with my family this year for the holidays.
I'm missing elements of my life with Michael. And even though Eric adores me, he can't take away the hurt that I have to muddle my way through and he can't replace my best friend. I know that this hurt will get better with time, but right now, it feels like it's never going to get better.
I've come so far, and I've accomplished so many things. I'm so thankful that I can go out and run 6 miles everyday. I've decided to start studying to be a personal trainer, and that it'll help me with the next chapter of my life. Knowing those things are around the corner help me see past the immediate challenges.
Ok, enough bellyaching. I'll get through it. I always do.
I'm missing elements of my life with Michael. And even though Eric adores me, he can't take away the hurt that I have to muddle my way through and he can't replace my best friend. I know that this hurt will get better with time, but right now, it feels like it's never going to get better.
I've come so far, and I've accomplished so many things. I'm so thankful that I can go out and run 6 miles everyday. I've decided to start studying to be a personal trainer, and that it'll help me with the next chapter of my life. Knowing those things are around the corner help me see past the immediate challenges.
Ok, enough bellyaching. I'll get through it. I always do.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Emotions
I'm having a hard time coping with life as a single girl, especially with the holidays coming. The one year anniversary of my granfather's death was last weekend, my ex's birthday was last week, and Thanksgiving is next week. Plus, I've been sorting out all the Christmas decorations, deciding what to give the ex and what to keep. Even though I know it's been 6 months since I , every time I go back over there for something, I feel like my heart is getting ripped out of my chest. I miss my house, and my kitties, and I miss him. We were best friends for 11 years, and it's so hard for me to just have that disappear, seeing as how I don't really have that many friends.
My 30th birthday is coming in 3 weeks, and I'm in a little bit of crisis with it. Where I am right now is nowhere close to where I wanted to be when I set my plans out before me 10 years ago. Nothing on my list has been accomplished. Then again, there are some things that weren't on the list that got accomplished, like running marathons! Who knew? But I'm still struggling to get my life together. Every week I keep feeling like the floor is going to drop out from under me.
Just the thought of the holidays this year makes me want to curl up and die. Xmas was our favorite holiday, and we decorated for weeks! I love Xmas. But this year, I just don't know how much I'll be up for. On the up side, my parents are coming to visit me for my birthday, so my mom will probably help me decorate my tiny place. I have enough stuff to decorate 3 apartments for Xmas, so I may not get out any of "our" things, only the things that I've had since before we were together. Plus, my parents coming makes me have to put the finishing touches on my little house. Everything is pink and brown, so I have cute little shadow boxes that I painted to hang and I painted shelves pink/brown, and even screwed hooks into one so I could hang all my medals!
I think I'm settling into life ok, I'm just so emotional about little things. I guess these breaks are all steps up the divorce mountain. Things like deleting him from Facebook caused all out emotional mayhem, but after 6 months, I just don't need him checking up on me, and I don't need to be checking up on him. I'll get through all this. But some days, I cry while I run, because I just need to. I always feel better afterwards. Today might be one of those days.
My 30th birthday is coming in 3 weeks, and I'm in a little bit of crisis with it. Where I am right now is nowhere close to where I wanted to be when I set my plans out before me 10 years ago. Nothing on my list has been accomplished. Then again, there are some things that weren't on the list that got accomplished, like running marathons! Who knew? But I'm still struggling to get my life together. Every week I keep feeling like the floor is going to drop out from under me.
Just the thought of the holidays this year makes me want to curl up and die. Xmas was our favorite holiday, and we decorated for weeks! I love Xmas. But this year, I just don't know how much I'll be up for. On the up side, my parents are coming to visit me for my birthday, so my mom will probably help me decorate my tiny place. I have enough stuff to decorate 3 apartments for Xmas, so I may not get out any of "our" things, only the things that I've had since before we were together. Plus, my parents coming makes me have to put the finishing touches on my little house. Everything is pink and brown, so I have cute little shadow boxes that I painted to hang and I painted shelves pink/brown, and even screwed hooks into one so I could hang all my medals!
I think I'm settling into life ok, I'm just so emotional about little things. I guess these breaks are all steps up the divorce mountain. Things like deleting him from Facebook caused all out emotional mayhem, but after 6 months, I just don't need him checking up on me, and I don't need to be checking up on him. I'll get through all this. But some days, I cry while I run, because I just need to. I always feel better afterwards. Today might be one of those days.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
A Really Hard time
I think that yesterday may have been one of the hardest days I've ever had, except for the day I left my husband and the day I lost my granfather. Coincidentally, yesterday was the one year anniversary of my grandfather's death, so it was already going to be a hard day without the stuff that happened.
I have been dreading yesterday for a few weeks, and knew it would not be a good day in general. Then I found out that Eric would be at a middle school youth gathering as a leader all weekend, which meant I was to be alone. OK. I figured I'd deal with this by cleaning a lot, and going to a spin class yesterday morning. But before that, I checked my Facebook where some interesting photos of my ex and one of his ex girlfriends in an album entitles "Our vacation MSU Homecoming 2010". Awesome. Not only had he not paid my car insurance(which we had a deal on) for 2 months, letting it cancel and never bothering to tell me, but he spent 3 weeks of October travelling everywhere from Pittsburgh to San Francisco to our college town to celebrate homecoming with an ex..... Perfect! That pissed me off enough that I deleted him, and all his family members and friends. I guess I figured I don't wanna be with him, but I'm not so sure I'm ready to see him be with someone else, let alone an ex.
so I went spinning, and hard.... On my way home from spinning(which was amazing, by the way), the texted my ex to see if I could get some of the Xmas decorations to start seperating them and try to get one step closer to cutting the ties. This of course, turned out to be a fatally flawed plan, since he, of course, just had to jab me a couple times to make sure I'm still me. So, what was already a shitty day turned into a screaming match in his garage full of statements that have been coming for a long time but that I never figured I'd get the chance to say. And, because I'm a crier, I cried.......a lot. And he cried, which made me cry more. EFF!!! Why did I go there? And I get so tired of hearing from him how I'm so cold, and I put up such a wall. What he just doesn't get is that I'm shattered into a million tiny pieces on the inside and that, while I don't want to married to him anymore and don't really miss the marriage, I still miss him. I can't just flip a switch and turn off all the feelings i have after 11 years together. AAAHHH!
Once I made it out of there, I booked it home to pull myself together becasue I had made dinner plans with a friend and her family to celebrate a birthday. So I covered up my puffy eyes, and redid my makeup, fluffed my hair, and put on some nice clothes. It's really amazing what makeup can do for a face!! LOL. I managed to have a really great time with them last night, and really forgot about my internal pain for a couple hours. Of course, it all came back down on me once I got home and sat in my tiny apartment alone with the cat for a while.
If I've learned one thing about myself recently, it's that more and more I can throw myself wholly into my sport. Today I sprang out of bed, dug out my cold weather running gear, and hit the road for the easiest 10 miles I've ever run. My brain tuned out so severely that I barely remember running. I've learning that the harder my life gets, the easier my runs get because I can channel that pain or anger or frustration into my feet and make them fly. I'm learning that a really hard time can mean a really good, hard run.
I have been dreading yesterday for a few weeks, and knew it would not be a good day in general. Then I found out that Eric would be at a middle school youth gathering as a leader all weekend, which meant I was to be alone. OK. I figured I'd deal with this by cleaning a lot, and going to a spin class yesterday morning. But before that, I checked my Facebook where some interesting photos of my ex and one of his ex girlfriends in an album entitles "Our vacation MSU Homecoming 2010". Awesome. Not only had he not paid my car insurance(which we had a deal on) for 2 months, letting it cancel and never bothering to tell me, but he spent 3 weeks of October travelling everywhere from Pittsburgh to San Francisco to our college town to celebrate homecoming with an ex..... Perfect! That pissed me off enough that I deleted him, and all his family members and friends. I guess I figured I don't wanna be with him, but I'm not so sure I'm ready to see him be with someone else, let alone an ex.
so I went spinning, and hard.... On my way home from spinning(which was amazing, by the way), the texted my ex to see if I could get some of the Xmas decorations to start seperating them and try to get one step closer to cutting the ties. This of course, turned out to be a fatally flawed plan, since he, of course, just had to jab me a couple times to make sure I'm still me. So, what was already a shitty day turned into a screaming match in his garage full of statements that have been coming for a long time but that I never figured I'd get the chance to say. And, because I'm a crier, I cried.......a lot. And he cried, which made me cry more. EFF!!! Why did I go there? And I get so tired of hearing from him how I'm so cold, and I put up such a wall. What he just doesn't get is that I'm shattered into a million tiny pieces on the inside and that, while I don't want to married to him anymore and don't really miss the marriage, I still miss him. I can't just flip a switch and turn off all the feelings i have after 11 years together. AAAHHH!
Once I made it out of there, I booked it home to pull myself together becasue I had made dinner plans with a friend and her family to celebrate a birthday. So I covered up my puffy eyes, and redid my makeup, fluffed my hair, and put on some nice clothes. It's really amazing what makeup can do for a face!! LOL. I managed to have a really great time with them last night, and really forgot about my internal pain for a couple hours. Of course, it all came back down on me once I got home and sat in my tiny apartment alone with the cat for a while.
If I've learned one thing about myself recently, it's that more and more I can throw myself wholly into my sport. Today I sprang out of bed, dug out my cold weather running gear, and hit the road for the easiest 10 miles I've ever run. My brain tuned out so severely that I barely remember running. I've learning that the harder my life gets, the easier my runs get because I can channel that pain or anger or frustration into my feet and make them fly. I'm learning that a really hard time can mean a really good, hard run.
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