Wednesday, December 14, 2011

The end of an era

So, I've been having weird dreams lately; and by lately I mean every night since finals started. And by weird, I mean they involve my ex, Eric, and me at present time back at MSU. Eric says it's because I'm trying to close a chapter that deals largely with Michael.

I haven't shared this with many people, and unless you're one of the very few who read my blog, I won't have really shared with that many more people by the time I post it.

I never actually graduated from college. Yes, I finished all the components of my music degree, and all but 3 of my minor classes. I've been working on this degree for over 12 years now. And most of years I spent with Michael, living life, muddling through school, and getting some really craptastic grades, all while not really applying myself the way I should've as a musician. Many of those years were filled with pain I didn't know I was in, apathy for that pain, and the general malaise that was my life with him. Everything was about him, and I never really got the bug to finish school until I started losing weight and realized that I wanted something more for my life than what I had. That, friends, has been written somewhere else.

6 years after leaving MSU to move here, I'm FINALLY going to graduate this week. It's not that this is a hard pill for me to swallow, but it is in some respects one of the hardest things I've ever done. I spent most of my teenage years simply surviving in a house that was chaotic at best, I spent most of my young adult years fat, depressed, and never able to finish anything. Now that I'm faced with finishing the thing that has haunted me the most, I'm scared to death and excited all at once. Graduation means the freedom to really, truly, honestly move on with my life. I'm praying that MSU has enough faith in me to let start grad school, and take the next step to doing what truly makes me the happiest.

There are only a couple things tying me down to that old life (and those are on the New Year's Resolution list). I'm not talking about starting a new chapter; I'm talking about closing a book. When Saturday comes, I'll be starting to write a whole new book. Saturday, I'll be a graduate for real, and I can finally be proud of my education.