Sunday, June 14, 2009

Too skinny for the fatties, too fat for the skinnies.

So, as I lost my job at Lane Bryant back in april, I've been on the search for a new part time job. What I have discovered is a weird sort of discrimination. As far as working in plus sized fashion, I'm now considered too "small" for a job such as this?!?!? When I did work at LB, we almost never hired anyone smaller than a 20 because the women who came shopping gave us so much grief about how "small" the employees were and how they didn't want to see skinny girls working in a store for fatties. OK.

Now, because I don't want to go back to work and can't get a job because now I'm too small, I decided to try to get a job where the skinnies shop. I figure that, even though I'm an 18 now, I'm not gonna be for much longer. I've already dropped 4 sizes, and I'm not stopping. So, according to my logic, if I'm not fat anymore I should be able to work with the skinnies. NOT SO! As I'm asking for applications and even turning them in, the clerks at the counters are saying,"You know we only sell up to size 12", or "maybe you can work in the men's side"!

It's all very frustrating. I feel like I'm stuck in weight loss purgatory. Where I'm not a fatty anymore, but I'm not skinny enough yet to be considered not fat by the skinnies. WTF!
Let's hope they give me a job at Bath and body Works. They don't seem to care about size in there.

Friday, June 5, 2009

You're what?

You're training for a marathon? What? How many miles is that? I'm so tired of people asking me if I'm sure I want to do this. It's mostly like people look at me like I'm retarded. Yes, I weigh 240, but I could probably run longer than you. It frustrates me that most people I encounter associate being overweight with being weak. That's just not the case. Even though I'm still pretty hefty, I'm built like a brick house, except for having a big belly. My legs are like tree trunks, and my arms are turning out to be pretty solid.

So, the decision to train for a full marathon, after only completing 2 halfs is the craziest decision I've ever made. Just past the decision to start running. But, it's a huge commitment, and I find myself having little support past my mom and my husband. Even my brother who is marathoner thinks I'm nuts. The thing is, I thought I would have been farther in my life than I am. I wanted to have kids by now and my master's degree. I have neither of those, and so this marathon is about having a major accomplishment to my name. Not that losing all this weight isn't an accomplishment, but I like the medals I guess.....

So this week I started what will be a 30 week program, of running my ass 4 days a week and generally living in a state of exhaustion. I love running and I wouldn't be doing this if I didn't. My mom and I are going to figure a food plan so that I'm getting enough carbs and protein in my diet. Which is where it gets hairy with the Weight Watchers thing, since they don't really cater much to athletes.

It's really hard for me to believe I'm doing this, and it's very emotional. I know I can do this, and I can't wait to do this. I'm sure the road is going to be long and hard, and I'm going to be in a lot of pain at some points, but when the time comes, the race will be worth the journey. I'm so excited.

Monday, June 1, 2009

Have you ever looked at your life and realized that you live in excess? I've had some of those realizations here recently. I've lost almost 50 pounds, I've cleaned over 200 pieces of clothing out of my closet that I deem as too big(from when I was 290 pounds), and I'm broke. Therefore, I've come to the conclusion that I've lived my life thus far in some state of constant excess.

When I was growing up, everything was excessive. The house wasn't, but it was a great, big old country farm house decorated to the nines with shabby-chic stuff collected through the years by my mother. And my dad always drove a Caddy(so did my grandmother for that fact). Vacations were always outrageous. Being from Ohio, if you got to go to DisneyWorld once before you graduated high school, that was a coup. For me, every other summer was Disney and the beach. $10,000 vacations only to come home to the eletrcicity being turned off because nobody paid the bill. Cars being repoed, the whole nine yards.

The habits of excess, I've found come from childhood. That whole nature vs. nurture nonsense. And so, because I lived a life of excess and turmoil(as my dad was and is an alcoholic), this became my habit as I grew. I've been heavy since I can remember. Which is to say, I don't remember much before my parents got divorced when I was 7. I've seen pictures of myself before then, and I was average size. But, divorce is hard, and it took it's toll. The only way my dad knew how to comfort me was to feed me.So, as I grew in all directions, age and otherwise,

I've come to this point in my life. I took all the personal finance classes in college, only to ignore everything I learned, and have horrible money habits, becasue I like excess. I had a job at a clothing store, and spent hundreds and hundreds of dollars over the course of the 2 years I worked there. And, after starting this journey, have realized that I have thousands of dollars worth of clothes(all from Lane Bryant) sitting around that are too big. It's really obscene how much clothing I have. Literally, hundreds of pieces of my prized wardrobe that are now hanging on two full clothing racks.

The problem with excess is that it's totally habitual, and it has infected all the parts of my life. Just like I'm learning to manage my eating habits, so I'm trying to learn how to manage my other habits as well. I'm giving up things like my tanning membership in exchange for my gym membership. And instead of eating out 2-3 times a week, we're cooking new recipes at home to keep our costs low. Excess has been a big part of my life my entire life, and for the first time in that life, I'm in control of my affairs. Losing the weight is just the beginneing of moderation, but I'm sincerely hoping that this new habit infects all the aspects of my life.