Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Emotions

I'm having a hard time coping with life as a single girl, especially with the holidays coming. The one year anniversary of my granfather's death was last weekend, my ex's birthday was last week, and Thanksgiving is next week. Plus, I've been sorting out all the Christmas decorations, deciding what to give the ex and what to keep. Even though I know it's been 6 months since I , every time I go back over there for something, I feel like my heart is getting ripped out of my chest. I miss my house, and my kitties, and I miss him. We were best friends for 11 years, and it's so hard for me to just have that disappear, seeing as how I don't really have that many friends.

My 30th birthday is coming in 3 weeks, and I'm in a little bit of crisis with it. Where I am right now is nowhere close to where I wanted to be when I set my plans out before me 10 years ago. Nothing on my list has been accomplished. Then again, there are some things that weren't on the list that got accomplished, like running marathons! Who knew? But I'm still struggling to get my life together. Every week I keep feeling like the floor is going to drop out from under me.

Just the thought of the holidays this year makes me want to curl up and die. Xmas was our favorite holiday, and we decorated for weeks! I love Xmas. But this year, I just don't know how much I'll be up for. On the up side, my parents are coming to visit me for my birthday, so my mom will probably help me decorate my tiny place. I have enough stuff to decorate 3 apartments for Xmas, so I may not get out any of "our" things, only the things that I've had since before we were together. Plus, my parents coming makes me have to put the finishing touches on my little house. Everything is pink and brown, so I have cute little shadow boxes that I painted to hang and I painted shelves pink/brown, and even screwed hooks into one so I could hang all my medals!

I think I'm settling into life ok, I'm just so emotional about little things. I guess these breaks are all steps up the divorce mountain. Things like deleting him from Facebook caused all out emotional mayhem, but after 6 months, I just don't need him checking up on me, and I don't need to be checking up on him. I'll get through all this. But some days, I cry while I run, because I just need to. I always feel better afterwards. Today might be one of those days.

1 comment:

  1. Rebekah - although I haven't gone through a divorce, I have several friends who have and I know it took so much out of them emotionally and physically. You are a strong woman - you will make it through this. You knew at the time that the relationship wasn't healthy for you. Although you miss the things that go with the marriage (the house, the kitties and even him), try to think back to how it was when you were there. It sounds like you made the right decision for you. Don't second guess yourself for doing the right thing for yourself.

    As for not being where you thought you would be in life...that's just it - life. Things in my life are nothing like I expected it would be. I'm going to be 38 in January...my DD will be 21 in 26 days (but who's counting?) and my baby boy will be graduating from HS in June (some days I'm an emotional wreck). We are currently a one car family and by car, I mean a small S10 pick up truck. We aren't anywhere near where we should be financially...and believe me when I say this is NOT where I pictured myself financially when the kids would be this age. BUT...I find the positive in every aspect of my life and I know that this, too, shall pass and we will be just fine. And I have cried many tears during my runs...tears of sadness, disappointment in myself and others, tears of gratitude and pride.

    Life isn't easy...but it is ours to celebrate. Enjoy every second of this holiday season...make new traditions. Don't wallow in what was or could have been...it's time to move forward - - enjoy having your family there and focus on you...

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