A Really Hard time

I think that yesterday may have been one of the hardest days I've ever had, except for the day I left my husband and the day I lost my granfather. Coincidentally, yesterday was the one year anniversary of my grandfather's death, so it was already going to be a hard day without the stuff that happened.

I have been dreading yesterday for a few weeks, and knew it would not be a good day in general. Then I found out that Eric would be at a middle school youth gathering as a leader all weekend, which meant I was to be alone. OK. I figured I'd deal with this by cleaning a lot, and going to a spin class yesterday morning. But before that, I checked my Facebook where some interesting photos of my ex and one of his ex girlfriends in an album entitles "Our vacation MSU Homecoming 2010". Awesome. Not only had he not paid my car insurance(which we had a deal on) for 2 months, letting it cancel and never bothering to tell me, but he spent 3 weeks of October travelling everywhere from Pittsburgh to San Francisco to our college town to celebrate homecoming with an ex..... Perfect! That pissed me off enough that I deleted him, and all his family members and friends. I guess I figured I don't wanna be with him, but I'm not so sure I'm ready to see him be with someone else, let alone an ex.

so I went spinning, and hard.... On my way home from spinning(which was amazing, by the way), the texted my ex to see if I could get some of the Xmas decorations to start seperating them and try to get one step closer to cutting the ties. This of course, turned out to be a fatally flawed plan, since he, of course, just had to jab me a couple times to make sure I'm still me. So, what was already a shitty day turned into a screaming match in his garage full of statements that have been coming for a long time but that I never figured I'd get the chance to say. And, because I'm a crier, I cried.......a lot. And he cried, which made me cry more. EFF!!! Why did I go there? And I get so tired of hearing from him how I'm so cold, and I put up such a wall. What he just doesn't get is that I'm shattered into a million tiny pieces on the inside and that, while I don't want to married to him anymore and don't really miss the marriage, I still miss him. I can't just flip a switch and turn off all the feelings i have after 11 years together. AAAHHH!

Once I made it out of there, I booked it home to pull myself together becasue I had made dinner plans with a friend and her family to celebrate a birthday. So I covered up my puffy eyes, and redid my makeup, fluffed my hair, and put on some nice clothes. It's really amazing what makeup can do for a face!! LOL. I managed to have a really great time with them last night, and really forgot about my internal pain for a couple hours. Of course, it all came back down on me once I got home and sat in my tiny apartment alone with the cat for a while.

If I've learned one thing about myself recently, it's that more and more I can throw myself wholly into my sport. Today I sprang out of bed, dug out my cold weather running gear, and hit the road for the easiest 10 miles I've ever run. My brain tuned out so severely that I barely remember running. I've learning that the harder my life gets, the easier my runs get because I can channel that pain or anger or frustration into my feet and make them fly. I'm learning that a really hard time can mean a really good, hard run.