The people around you.

I'm learning slowly but surely that the people I surround myself have a serious effect on my mood. For example, a short conversation with the ex stresses me out to no end, and makes me thankful that he's going to be my ex by law soon. A short conversation with a friend of mine who is still pretty obese and generally negative can bother me for days, and kinda make me feel like shit in the midst of the conversation. And a non conversation with my new fella( as in just being around him), makes me feel some peace, if even just for a few minutes. A conversation with the wellness director at my gym can make me feel like I've already conquered the world and now have the universe to take care of, but that's it's possible to do.

I wonder then, why is it so hard to let go of the people who adversely affect my mood, and therefore, my mental well being? Why do I insist on keeping these people around? I suppose in some ways, I'm afraid to let go of my ex, who has been a major part of my life for the last 11 years, since I was 18. And we've gone through some major shit together, but ultimately can't be together. And the fact that I haven't felt this good is years, both mentally and physically means that somewhere along the line, I've made the right decision to leave him.

My mom told me a long time ago that I would probably lose every friend I have because the changes in me wouldn't be comfortable for the fatties in my life. At the time, I though she must be crazy, but as time always tells, moms are usually right. And so only one fatty remains my friend, but she's the most miserable person I know. And when I told her last week about dropping below 200#, she said, "Congratulations.....bitch. :)". And so even though she said it in jest, I know deep down that really she meant it. And it's just impossible for her to be happy for me. I'm not really afraid of losing her as my friend, but mostly I feel sorry for her, and so I stick around hoping she'll get it together one of these days. I don't know how much longer I'll stick around for that, though. She's 42 and the odds aren't looking good.

The new fella just makes me feel good. I haven't laughed like I do with him in a long, long, long time. And I haven't felt a sense of calm like this maybe ever. Of course, that calm goes away when we go about our seperate lives, but while he's around, he leans on me, and I lean on him. And the fact that he's a little older means he knows how to handle me and my craziness. Because as much as I've calmed down over the last 20 months, as much as I've become a better person, I'm still a handful of neuroses and type A personality traits!

Bottom line, I never realized how much my life would change when I started all this, but sometimes, I can't really believe this is my life. And I never would have thought that I'd be as sensitive as I am to other people's effects on me as I am. It really makes me stop and think about who I interact with. And truthfully, I have a choice everyday about who I deal with, so I suppose just making better food choices, I should start making better people choices.

My mom told me a long time ago when I started losing weight that I'd probably lose every friend I have because the change in me will not be comfortable for the fatties in my life.