Monday, March 11, 2013

Someone Else's Story

There is a song I love called "Someone Else's Story" from musical nobody has ever heard of except music theater geeks.  Anyway, the lyrics go, "Long ago, in someone else's lifetime, someone with my name who looked at lot like me.....In a way, it's someone else's story, I don't see myself taking part at all.  And if that girl I knew should ask my advice, I wouldn't hesistate, she needn't ask me twice.  Go now! I'd tell her that for free.  Trouble is the girl is me."

I decided it's time to sell my wedding dress.  It lives in my spare bedroom closet, and it stares at me every time I go in there.  It's gorgeous, and fluffy, sparkly and white.  It has beautiful beaded flowers on it, and it was and still is the dress of my dreams.  It was for the wedding of my dreams to the boy of my dreams, in my tiny country church where all my friends and family gathered for a beautiful Spring day in 2004.

As I was writing the listing, the website suggested a professional picture from the wedding day.  So, upstairs I went to dig out my albums.  It's been just over a month since the divorce was final, and I didn't think it would really bother me so much to look over the pictures (after all, we separated almost 3 years ago).  But, my goodness, so many emotions welled up in me. There were people I cherished, no longer with us, those whose days are numbered, and those who have simply fallen away.  Children who are now nearly grown, and family who are no longer part of my world.

Looking at those photos was like being with the Ghost of Christmas Past, looking into a different person's life, except all the people I loved were there.  The girl in the giant princess ballgown looked sort of like me, and she bears my name, but nothing else about her resembles me today.  Eric didn't know me then, and he has a hard time understanding how I was ever that unhappy, unmotivated and generally miserable, because I'm the complete opposite of that now.  It's hard for me to look her in the face and remember what pain I was really feeling under the surface.  It's impossible to reconcile the two creatures who have inhabited this mind, body and soul.  It's inexplicable. 

I wasn't always what I am today.  Change has been hard on me, harder than I ever imagined possible.  It has taken a tremendous toll on my heart, but has also grown it 10,000 times stronger, wiser, and more loving than I ever fathomed.  You cannot change the past; and wishing to do so does nothing but waste time in the present.  For me, going back and remembering where I've come from is painful and sad.  Looking at those albums of another life stabbed my soul a little bit.  I caught a glimpse tonight of "someone else's story", and I'm so glad I have the chance every single day to write a new story that belongs to a new life and better person. 


3 comments:

  1. I LOVED this post and can totally relate. I am new on this journey but I've been on it so many times before. I have around 130lbs to lose and have already lost 22 of them. I will be reading your blog regularly and I have liked your Facebook page. Hope you will visit mine. I'm still trying to build support on my blog and Facebook page.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I've been separated for over 5 years and still haven't filed the paperwork. My beautiful wedding gown, tiara, and veil are still in a rubbermaid tote. I appreciated reading your post.

    ReplyDelete
  3. You write beautifully. I, too can relate to this... Oh, and I read Crystal's blog, too! Man, do I need a blog now?!?! (Sorry, ADD moment). This is so so relatable. I also didn't realize how miserable I was until I wasn't... And, while I LOVE photos, I am sad sometimes to see a sad me in almost all of them, a half hearted fake smile, and someone desperate to be loved. I learned to love myself (obviously you have too) and that is all the love I need!! :)

    ReplyDelete